searching, searching

Yah, so better feeling thoughts...where did they go.

It's so funny how quickly the tides can shift and then it just feels like you're paddling against the current. I so just want to go with the current.

I think I started paddling when I got a little too obsessed with running into a particular cute boy that I keep flirting with around town. No speaking, just smiling and waving and randomly running into each other. At first I was totally letting it all go and just enjoying it for what it is...a sweet flirtation. I told myself if there comes a moment when things feel right to talk to each other then it will happen...no worries.

But then...I kept seeing him everywhere. We'd smile and wave at the coffee shop, at the beach, at the grocery store, on the highway. Yes, this is a small town. Now, I kind of know what he's into and where he goes and now...oh yes, now I can actually potentially find him when I want to. That is when my paddling against the current began.

My strategy has been to go down to the beach where I know he paddles in the afternoons. Seemingly innocent...it's a place I go often...but I am going during times that are a little bit out of my flow...and therefore I am having things happen that are not good. Like a dog nipped my toe down there the other day. While snorkeling, my mask isn't working properly, there's a guy yelling at people on the beach. Things like that...little annoying things like that...that build up and create a general feeling of annoyance...and frustration that I did all this to try to see some guy who I don't even know will be down there or not and who I've never even talked to before. Now I'm feeling like a stalker and a looser.

Okay dokey...so where do I go from here. Better feeling thought, better feeling thought. I like having random flirtations with a cute guy around town. I know I'll run into him again at some point. It would be nice if we could have a conversation so I can know if I actually like him or not. I don't have to make anything happen, my life is unfolding beautifully at it's own pace.

I'm also noticing that this all came from a small desire to run into him and actually talk to him. However, there were actually 2 times when I could have sucked it up and created conversations and I didn't. I was telling myself it wasn't the right time, I wasn't feeling so great...too tired, or whatever. There was one day when I was having my best day yet and I saw him and he didn't see me. I could have gone over there and talked to him then, but I didn't...I wanted him to see me and come to me. What's that all about? It's about rejection, being shy, not knowing what to say, feeling a bit like a stalker.

It's amazing how this has affected my general state of well being. It's interesting to me how I can get fixated on one particualar person or thing instead of staying focused on my more general state of being happy where I'm at and still fully desiring a partner or whatever it is I'm wanting. I know when I stop fixating on it...that is when it will come.

Okay, that was helpful...thanks for listening.
me